Ex

When people lie right on one’s face, I just don’t understand how easy it seems to them. Coz for me, lying, with or without a valid reason, is extremely difficult! I am as pathetic as Joe Tribbiani(FRIENDS-season 9 epi 8) in lying!! Giving false reasons in the right places and hiding the right amount of facts from the right person or manipulating the truth here and there to serve some useful purpose, is still, may be at some level, acceptable and understandable and forgivable. But again, lying blatantly and shamelessly thinking that the person listening doesn’t know or wouldn’t find out, is highly dumb and cheap!

There were a couple of guys on campus who were well known to lie about marks and grades and how they were the top of the course when the whole mark list was displayed on the notice board and they were in fact, one among the last, and about how girls went fida over them when all the girls ridiculed them big time, and even about some imaginary girl friend back home… but these guys portrayed their character as dumb idiotic weak insecure and with a very high inferiority complex, and got black listed! But hey, they were just students, and they were obviously trying to get a girl by showing off, and even though they miserably failed at their purpose, they did actually have one!

And here is this boss of mine, an ex-boss from tomorrow, who has the talent of lying and exaggerating and manipulating the facts even without a purpose, just because he can! Now that is not stupid, that is sadism! I can hardly understand how someone about 30 yrs old, who in reality hardly works at all (though pushes his subordinates work even without lunch or dinner), can act so cheap and earn the disrespect and hatred of everyone around, and still be ignorant of the fact that, well, his secret- that he is a sadist and an egoist and knows much lesser than a no of his subordinates- is not really a secret at all!! Well, whatever. From the list of lessons that I have learnt in the past 6 months, the entire sub-list of how-a-team-leader-shouldnot-be comes from him.

When a truck loaded with sand comes in the wrong direction, it is the bike that should leave way and stand aside, or simply take another route avoiding the sand truck. Instead if the bike tries to go head-on with the truck just coz it has only mud or coz the bike is in the right direction while the truck isn’t, the damage is entirely to the bike and the people on it. The sand truck would have no impact at all, right?

In any case, I am glad I have finally gotten the opportunity to leave the highly unorganized road and take a much better way,a whole new direction, thanks to God-who-finally-listened/Luck-that-changed-at-last/Good-time-that-has-arrived/Hardwork-and-sincerity-that-eventually-paid-off.

Connecting the dots

Disclaimer: Heavy rambling below. Don’t tread if you have better work to do, and continue at your own risk only!
Sometimes, we fall… after all, accidents do happen. The fall though may be an accident or a deliberate sabotage by someone jealous of your grace, or even a harsh revenge, a means of showing contempt by someone who hates you, or a simple act of the disgraceful fate, that you fall in the wrong place, at the wrong time in the wrong position. Which ever the reason may be, the outcome remains independent of it, nevertheless, may vary in intensity, from a slight scratch to a broken limb bone or even severe skull injury and a few unlucky times, even death. The slight scratches vanish in time, replaced by new skin. There is absolutely no problem at all in case of death too! :P

Broken bones and skull fractures take a lot of time, energy and money, cause a lot of pain and stress not only to the injured, but also to the close ones, but they eventually do get mended, but done leave without leaving a scar, that keeps reminding you for the entire life, about the whole incident. The actual physical pain just vanishes away in some time. But the mental and psychological pain is that is the trace it leaves, that sometimes tends to be even more painful than the skull surgery itself!

As Steve Jobs had said in his Stanford speech( incase anyone hasn’t heard it before, I suggest you do.. or atleast read it, for its just really good. I listen to it pretty often. Not that its of much help, but it just makes me feel good and, well, it makes a lot of sense. That’s all.), the dots in life will connect one fine day, and they connect only by looking back and not forward. But the helplessness doesn’t really help, now does it? I have never been the one to believe in prophecies or predictions or horoscopes( which I usually call horror-scopes), and I still definitely don’t! But I guess I now understand why people do go to the seers or jyothishis who claim to foretell the future of even strangers. They hate being helpless and in the dark too. But hey, how can a stranger tell about your future, which even you, who have known yourself since you were born, cant tell? Atleast, that’s my main reason for not believing in them anyway.

In any case, the future will definitely unfold. May be not as one had planned, may be not as one had hoped and may be not as someone else had foreseen it for a payment, but it will fall right under our feet and we will walk through it, whether we like it or not, whether it hurts or not, whether it is pleasant or not. But what ever comes, it is not written on stone. The future is NOT WRITTEN ON STONE. Even Alice Cullen cant predict it right because it changes with each decision one makes, every choice one makes/ is made for him/her. It changes at every crossroad, every turn taken and every new move.

Hence, I guess, that is why it is impossible to join the dots looking forward in life, because they just aren’t there. If Mr. X takes a left to reach a palace and become a king, or goes straight to his wife and kids to live a happy peaceful middle-class life, or take a right to meet with an accident and loose his limbs forever(I wouldn’t say die coz I believe there are things worse than death in this world), and he is totally lost and really doesn’t know which to take, a psychic can tell only upto the point where he reaches the crossroad. It is his destiny that makes him choose a path, fate that leads him to whatever destination.

I guess at the end of a bad road, all a stressed person can do is ask “Why now?” or “Why this?” or “Why me?”. But I guess fate is just deaf and dumb! So it would be a much better use of time and energy, if instead of asking oneself/fate such idiotic unanswerable questions, one would just go back home and continue watching cute sweet romantic fantasy movies, dream one’s own happily ever after, yet live a real life without questions!

DIB(The Expansion will be Explained Subsequently)

1.15 am
BUMBRO BUMBRO, SHYAM RANG BUMBRO…
Me: (Yawn)
Knock Knock.. Door opens.
Me: Hi.. can you please reduce the volume? I am not able to sleep.
DIB: Oh! Ok.. I’ll reduce it.

1.35 am
Bumbro bumbro.. o…o… tummm…
Me: What the hell man? She just touched the volume control or what? I can still hear it well, loud enough and clear! You can hear it through the phone!!! Imagine listening to the same song for the past half an hour!! Whaa I want to sleep!!!
Friend-on-phone: Well.. good luck with that!! Anyways, goodnight!
Knock Knock.. Door opens.
DIB: Oh.. you can still hear?
Me: Yes. Very very clearly!
DIB: Oh.. k.. I’ll reduce it further. Sorry! :D

2.00 am
haira haira hairabba.. haira haira hairabba..
50 kg tajmahal enakke enakkagha..
Me: (Thinking) Oh that is considerate of her to put tamil song for my sake!! WHAT THE HELL?!?!? Doesnt she know how to reduce volume?

3.15 am
Phone rings.
Me: So the world is against my sleeping!
Number seen: +301
Me: Ohh! ISTD??
Hello?
A male voice: Hulloooo…. Aap kaun bol rahe hain?
Me: Huh? Aapne call kiya tha.. aap boliye? Kaun hai aap aur kya chaahiye?
The male voice: Aapka voice bada sweet hai… Aapka naam kya hai? Mere saath friendship karengi?
Me: urgh! (Cut the call.)
Phone rings again. Number seen: +301.
Me: (Thinking) If its not ISTD, it must be some VOIP or some thing like that! Hmph.(Switch it off.)
Aaye ho kis bagiya se..
Bumbro bumbro, oh oh tum..
Bumbro bumbro, oh oh tum….
Me: This is just not happening!! Deaf Insomniac Bitch(DIB)!!(Switch the fan on.)
The noise of the fan drowns the bumbro music.
Me: Well, this noise is atleast bearable!
Cover myself with an extra blanket and finally fall asleep.

An Irony of Life

Some time back, I had written about how boring life had become, so much that it was a type of killer. After all these months, nothing much seems to have changed in my belief. For the past few weeks, over and over again, I have lived with them and them and them and them and them and them and them and them and them and am going to further live with them and them and them and many others. Things always seem to happen in series! A person/character always gets what one wants in real life with so much ease. I mean, life in series seems much more exciting and much less boring, much more adventurous and much less monotonous, and life there seems much more invigorating and much less useless than the daily one. One would feel so important, so powerful,so confident, so extraordinary and successful in there. Well, all I have to say is that ordinary life sucks and I really really wish miracles would happen and fictions would be real though the only problem is that fictions are falsities, imaginary tales, fantasies, fairy tales- basically opposite of realities!! What an irony!!Sigh...

Whatever!

Pain.. is when some stranger standing in front of you gives some bloody bullshit reason popularly termed as RECESSION, but really tells you that you are just not good enough, after the 5 years of battle with huge books and numerous tests and useless assignments and meaningless projects. But what is even more depressing is when you have to tell yourself that may be he is darn right and that you ARE not good enough! Oh! Don’t give me that crap on optimism, confidence, hope and all that! It would be really easy for people to spill words of consolation to boost confidence and all, but its just not the same- standing in the battle field, and talking about it watching news on TV. Most of the times, the so called ‘great-people’s sayings’ n ‘motivational quotes’ don’t even make any sense. They just seem like Joey’s thesaurus words! These quotes irritate you so much when uttered at the wrong times, that you would want to kill the person who says them. Anesthesia is given before any painful invasive process to numb the sense organ(s). Pessimism is a type of anesthesia too. It is way easier to face a series of rejections shamelessly and digest the screams of one’s inner self with pessimism and negative attitude rather than hope and optimism. Damn all those right decisions that went wrong! Talking about wrong decisions, I wish I were born two years before or two years after! Being born when I actually did- man! What a disastrous decision(just not mine) that was!

Uncomfortable Silence

Mia: Don't you hate that?
Vincent: What?
Mia: Uncomfortable silences.

Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullshit order to be comfortable?
Vincent: I don't know. That's a good question.
Mia: That's when you know you've found somebody special.

When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.

-Pulp Fiction

Love this convo. It’s not something that Chandler alone has difficulty in dealing with - uncomfortable social circumstances and a weird company and probably uncanny situations. But then, our life is filled with these, in all aspects! Under these conditions, people behave very strangely to make themselves comfortable or at least to pass the time, waiting for the ordeal to end. I have realized that I talk a lot, try to make small conversations when I am ill at ease. Man! Tats really hard, mainly because sometimes you know that you don’t have anything common with the person sitting in front of you, staring at you, expecting you to be the initiator and to rack your brains for a suitable subject. But its harder when the person waiting for your response is a stranger, where you don’t even know whether you even have anything in common, or if there is any tabooed topic or how his/her response would be!
I actually love silence n blissful peace, but only when I m comfortable, with a soothing company with whom I don’t really have to ‘try’ to make small talk to relax. Their very presence would be enough to settle my heartbeat rate to the normal 72/min. No. I am not referring to a BF or a spouse here. It could be anyone. Mostly friends coz even my parents are kinda my best friends in a way. Ironically, I am not very fond the silence when I am alone (unless I am depressed about something and want to be alone with my own self :P), or with an awkward company. I prefer some sound, even jarring noises in those times. I hate to be the one talking and making stupid irrelevant jokes that the strangers don’t even understand (one could go crazy if their attempted PJ is a waste and no one understands or appreciates it. It’s an insult to the very joke, u see). But talking crap is better than the awkward silence any day! Hence, though I love that Pulp Fiction dialog, I feel that it IS necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable, and you DON’T need to have found somebody SPECIAL in order to shut the fuck up and comfortably enjoy the silence. You just need a FRIEND. Tats all. As the song goes…

Jaane kyun dil jaanta hai…
Tu hai to I ll be all right!
I ll be all right!
I ll be all right!

I hate my stomach

Damn my stomach for always feeling hungry! Its always the tongue being punished for no fault of its! When the stomach feels hungry, it is the tongue that has to eat off anything available, be it good or bad. The stomach doesn’t taste anything after all! The hunger at times is such a pain. I mean I know about how hunger is a way of life for may be half of Indian population, but in my case, its just a pestering MIL who keeps irritating even when I have no mood to eator rather, food to eat! But on rare occasions when I get to eat really really delicious food, when the tongue for once relishes whatever it eats, the stomach after a point gets full n ends poor tongue’s delight over delicious food! How sad is that? Whenever the stomach is ‘upset’, then too, it’s the tongue that is put under restrictions and is penalized. Let us hope that the next time when God decides to create his next species, or when evolution eats away men to leave way for a new variety, some new system would develop such that a there is no hunger. Only taste buds exist. But when someone eats and the taste buds have a nice time, the food does get digested. I mean digestive system should be optional only. Let there be an entirely different mechanism for derivation of energy (for existence purposes), in the next world at least!

Sigh

Lately i have been having conversations on similar lines with a lot of friends. A number of common if onlys had been discussed. Here are a few of them which i can post in public. :) Some of them are my own, while others are common.

• If only our passion got us enough money…
• If only we cud dare risk the reality n monetary requirements…
• If only we were so stinking rich that it wouldn’t matter if we didn’t earn...
• If only we could work where we wanted to, in the field that we were passionate about without worrying about our career or future…
• If only we were wealthy enough to learn something just for the heck of it and just for fun…
• If only there were people around us who could identify our talents easily and guide us in the right channel…
• If only our loved ones recognize our true passion and are proud of what we are, and understand, respect and appreciate our individuality and our beliefs...
• If only we were a part of something big, something special, something that would make us feel really important, something that would give us a sense of accomplishment…
• If only everybody around us could understand whatever we say in just one go!
• If only we get what makes us really happy or we are simply an expert in being happy with what we get…
• If only some people who are running behind us could keep up pace with us or just not expect us to wait behind for them…
• If only we were fast enough even overtake impertinent snobs who look back and sneer at us…
• If only we could come in terms with our conscience, which almost always tends to blame us for every mistake...
• If only we were in the right place at the right times to grab the right opportunities…
• If only we were innocent and ignorant of some issues… (would save a lot of pain u c..)
• If only the Earth spinns faster and we hav lesser than 24 hrs for a day...
• If only we lived in the Hollywood world where pain is always followed by a remedy, where loss is always followed by gain, where darkness is always followed by dawn and where coincidences almost always turn out lucky!
• If only there was a Batman n a Spiderman n a Superman in real life…
  If only I was a part of some great adventure and my blood was full of adrenaline all the time…
• If only I were not just a human, may be something a little more interesting, like say a Vampire- looking beautiful, smelling good, never needing to eat or sleep, with musical voice and graceful walk and really quick reflexes…
• If only we had magical powers like witches n wizards and we could apparate n disapparate or jus use Portus or floo network. How much time and energy and fuel would be saved!
• If only I had an alethiometer, a subtle knife to go to other worlds n a wand to use magic… (I could use Accio, Cheering Charm, Disillusionment Charm (Helps appear invisible), Evanesco (Vanishing Spell), Lumos/Nox, Silencio (Silencing Charm), Obliviate (Memory-Modifying Charm), Reparo n all on a daily basis…) Life would be so much easier, so much better n so much livelier!!

This post is subjected to modifications... i might add in more of them, as n when i think of them.

Aasaikku thaan oru alave illa (Desires have no boundaries)

There is this New York Life Insurance ad. It shows a whole bunch of people belonging to the same world, full of desires for things they don’t have; though they have lots of other things which others envy them for, to which they are oblivious. There is this super-cool long-haired hunk, walking down the road looking at a bike with jealousy. That bike rider looks at another passerby’s girlfriend, wishing he had one. That girl in turn yearns for a nice family with kids, looking at a young lady walking a child in a pram. This lady-with-the-kid craves for a diamond necklace displayed in a jewel store which she sees a millionaire buy. This millionaire from his side looks at the long-haired-hunk longingly for his hair, bald though he is!

Wow! I simply loved the simple portrayal of real life scenario where people always have some or the other desire deep in their heart, irrespective of what they are or what they have. There is always something that they don’t have or rather they can’t have. Not wanting anything more is probably never possible for a normal man. Even Gandhi ‘wanted’ Indian independence and then he ‘wanted’ Pakistan separation and all. So we can’t really call him ‘free from desires’. I believe that even sages ‘wanted’ peace or silence or simplicity in their life n that’s why they chose their nonchalant form of life. They do penances to get their desires fulfilled. But coming back to the present life, there are actually some people whom I see around, who say wholeheartedly that they are contented with what they have in life and they actually want their life to freeze right there n remain that way. I could actually envy them. Now don’t get me all wrong. I am definitely not jealous of them. There is always a difference between envy n jealousy. Envy is when I say “Wow! I wish I had that too… or I wish I was there too” whereas jealousy is when I say “Damn! I wish I was the One to have that… or I was the One to be there”.

Everyday I think of the things that are there with me, yet I can’t help wanting something else, something different, and something that I probably had wanted all along, but hadn’t achieved it. What if I had reached a different place? It’s a nice one too. But well! There are loads of things that I still want there too! I am definitely not selfish or greedy. But I guess these contented people are either the ones who have reached their goal n achieved exactly what they had worked for, or they have simply learnt to live with what they have without wishing further. But yet another part of me feels that desires inspire a person more than the people around, more than words or sayings, more than even their previous achievements. Desires n dreams motivate a person to visualize a target, provides them an ambition, gives a sense of purpose to their walk through the life n the strength to reach the ultimate point and encourages them to reach further and want more and finally grants them the satisfaction of having accomplished it. There are a lot of such motivational movies like Ice Princess, October Sky n many others. Though I had said before that I could envy the contented people, the truth his that I really do envy those who have identified their passion, who have worked out their goals, who have started pursuing it with full confidence and willpower, and who have even started dreaming about their success. The contented people say “I am there. I have enough. I am happy.” The pessimists say “The journey is too difficult, the destination is too far and the aim is too vague to pursue n realize.” But the optimists say “I will be there soon. I shall have it in a short while. I will touch it one day.”

A Bad Day Today! :(

Today is one of the worst days! Murphy ’s Law was being proven again n again!
“Whatever can go wrong will go wrong, and at the worst possible time, in the worst possible way”

Got up really late today (damn the tablet I took yesterday night!). In the hurry to reach my office on time, I had to do everything hastily, and in my hurry, I forgot my mobile at home! Good God! I actually forgot my mobile at home! I realized it on the bus and went crazy! OMG! What would I do the whole day? How could I survive? My mobile is one of my Horcruxes! I was nearly delirious by the time I reached my office. I had a presentation at 9.30, but made it to the office only at 9.50, with an empty stomach making such a racket that I feared people around might hear it!

Then I saw the presentation schedule and realized that I had attended a similar one long back, so it was kinda repetition, so decidedly went to the canteen to have breakfast. I came back to find my blogspace really screwed up and couldn’t even identify the problem. So took some time, identified it n finally modified it. Next, I ran into the in-charge of the presentation, walking out after taking the attendance, and seeing me on the internet pc, gave me a disapproving look. I had to convince him that the lecture was kinda repetition for me. He just shrugged away. Not good! Then one of my colleagues, a friend, walked past my bay from the conference room, and on enquiring about the presentation, I found that it was being given by my team members, my seniors, and my TL was there too! FUCK! I didn’t know that! I asked my friend why he hadn’t called me; I was only sitting a few yards away from that room?!?! His reply was that he didn’t know I was in the office!! Lol!

It was apparently a presentation that my team was delivering. What would have my boss thought of me? How stupid was I to have not checked after coming, late though it was?! Oh God! I was so screwed! Then I tried to sneak into the conference room, as silently as possible, when suddenly, NR called out from the dais,” Hey! You where were you in the morning?”I had to smile as widely as possible to hide my embarrassment, n said,” Er… I came in late.” N another female called out,” Hey! Hardly been seeing you these days?” I thought to myself,” WTF? I didn’t come only yesterday female! I was there even the day before that!” and my boss looks on… I just smiled at her and said nothing other than “uh huh…” the presentation took a really long time, past the lunch time So my friends had lunch n ice cream without me too! :(

And now, I am sitting here, with my half-filled stomach, in a highly confused muddled up state, with some really important life-changing decisions to make, but with HP7 ebook open instead of doing anything else, reading it for the 1000th time. I need to clear my head… you see? :P

Thought process

Disclaimer: The incidents mentioned below do not include anyone in specific. If anyone feels that I have referred to them, then it is them alright! If people think it can’t be them, then it most definitely isn’t! I would also like to assert that a thought process is a totally uncontrolled series of thoughts jumping from one topic to another, as random as the chaotic particles in Brownian motion. It’s the time when your heart talks with your brain in the silence around you. I am stating a few of the incidents where my heart n my brain were unable to come to any conclusion, hence, the questions were left unanswered. So I am ABSOLUTELY NOT RESPONSIBLE if any of you choose to take offence in any way.

Yesterday night, I went home from work, as usual, and found that there was no power. The whole area seemed to have been engulfed in pitch darkness with the utter silence being broken now and then by passing 2 wheelers or a few people walking n talking loudly on the road. I went into the house and freshened up. Then I didn’t know what to do! So I sat on my ease chair and started rocking, looking at the ceiling. (Was doing it after a long time you see.) Though there was absolutely no source of light, the ceiling ridiculously seemed to glow! Then when I looked around, almost all the things in the room seemed to have an eerie glow! Damn the excited electrons going back to stable state (thus giving off light as fluorescence, I guess :P)! Well, it was in such times that my mind used to think of a lot of things- a lot of small pieces of conversations that wouldn’t have really mattered while speaking, but I would have put them in my pensieve to look at and muse over later; a lot of bothering incidents that I would have let go at that time, but stored in a small corner of my mind to think over later; some of my mistakes, some of my blunders n some of the lessons learnt from mine and others’ experiences. But after such a session, I would usually be left with a wide range of questions. Yesterday being one such night, I have a mind filled with a whole lot of Qs; redundant though they may be in the world’s eyes, I haven’t yet encountered with convincing answers.

1. I had recently spoken to a friend gone to the US to do MS. She told me that that it wasn’t too difficult to locate Indians in the huge crowd at all! Girls or guys! Apparently, the college girls there wore such outrageously exposing clothes, but the guys there never even turned their heads n gave a second look! Indians- girls give shocked stares, guys gape at them appreciative! There you go! That’s how you locate Indians it seems! OMG! What is wrong with us Indians?

2. Why do people in ‘love’ suddenly start questioning about ‘blue skies’ n ‘pink flowers’ n ‘flying birds’ n what not? Sky is blue due to Rayleigh’s scattering effect of molecules in the Sun’s rays, Flowers are pink due to Anthocyanins and birds fly due to their anatomical structure ans bcoz as they can’t walk all their way! These were there before they were born, and will be there after they die! Such questions are just NOT romantic!

3. Why is it that we can very comfortably see n may be even enjoy watching adult u-know-what scenes in movies or even in reality between strangers in bus stops or in malls or in movie theatres or beaches or hotels or even on roads, but can’t bear see our friends make out in front of us? Why do we get so easily embarrassed n why do the love-birds never understand others’ awkward position and remained ‘romantically involved’ even in public??

(Monica n Chandler kissing in front of Phoebe)

Phoebe: eww get a room!

Monica : we already have one.

Phoebe: then use it!!!

Making out in public doesn’t make Monica n Chandler broad minded n asking them to not do it in front of her doesn’t make Phoebe narrow minded!

4. Seriously, why do some call themselves ‘frank’ n ‘out-spoken’ n talk nonsense, criticize people unnecessarily n judge people outright based on few facts that they know about them? I HATE such people. They really do not know the meaning of Frankness.

Pidichirukku na sollanumnu avasiyam illa, aana sonna thappu illa.

Pidikalenaa sonna thappu illa, aana sollanumnu avasiyam illa.

It means-

If u like something in some1, u dont need to tell them, but its not wrong if u tell them (as it wud only make them happy! ).

If u dont like something in some1, then its not wrong if u tell them, but u dont need to tell them( as it might offend them... coz u might be 'frank' n they might not be).

This is my policy. I m not asking anyone to follow this. But I have seen a lot of bonds break bcoz of these so-called ‘frank’ people who are just too pompous n snobbish to see the reality and the true essence of one’s character.

5. Why do we get an automatic smile when we hear people talking in our mother-tongue? I am not being a linguistic bitch here. I really don’t know the reason, but when I hear anyone talking in Tamil, I tend to turn around to see who it is, though I know for sure that they are strangers talking among themselves. Funny- my reflexes!

Well, I had a hundred thoughts yesterday only I can’t tell them all. Five of them have made this long enough! But the truth is that I really do enjoy these silent sessions in the dark. Gives me a lot of time to think and learn and prioritize a lot of things. :)

~~~ Life backwards ~~~

A lot of things that happened yesterday reminded me of the fact that I am getting older… though a part of me does want to grow old n move on, that part of me seems to be only too small. The larger part of me doesn’t really want to grow, like Peter Pan.

Yesterday, my mentor was asking me about how happy I would be on getting a job and passing out. My instant reply was “Working life doesn’t seem to be as fascinating as I had imagined. So I am not really looking fwd to it.” n that was the first time I had seen him laugh out loud!

But this happens a little too often these days. The same was the reaction when I told this to my cousins. How I envy my junior friends who are enjoying that delightful life! I hardly find gtalk chatting pleasurable these days! Its filled with either friends working busily who aren’t allowed to log in during work time, or other working friends/seniors working with status ‘dnd’, or with junior friends back in college, chatting with who would only make me more nostalgic and conscious of me growing older!

I got an sms fwd recently “Life is tough. After all the hard work in life, what’s there in the end? Death? Is that fair at all? May be it should go all backwards. You should die first and get it out of the way. Then you live an old age. Next, you get a silver watch and go to work. You work for 40 years until you are young enough to enjoy your ‘retirement’. You get doped, booze, party, and after all these, you get ready for High School then comes the Primary and you become a kid. You play and jump around, no pressure, no worries, no sadness, and no madness. Later, you become a toddler and finally you go back into the womb and spend your last 9 months floating in amniotic fluid and finally finish of as chromosomes.”

Wow! What a prospect! This is why I love fantasies n fictions. People there never seem to grow older than the right age! Well… whatever! I guess- some things are not under my control.

IRREVERSIBLE CHANGES

People change; especially after each important chapter in their lives. Some people change slowly n gradually. They analyze and modify themselves, a little here n there, to suit their present scenario. They forge their character the right way and chisel off some of their old dead ways. Yet, their basic traits remain the same.

There are some others who undergo a mutational transform in a new environment so that the new community doesn’t have to know the old them and thus, can start afresh in that new world, leaving back all the traces of their old beliefs, their old habits, likes n dislikes. These people, I believe, have a weak character. They do not really have faith in their own thoughts/beliefs/actions/habits/culture. They simply look at the crowd and just flow along. They don’t think of their past bcoz they don’t feel proud of it. They either are ashamed of it or they don’t have the guts enough to face the world with their true nature or they simply have loads n loads of inferiority complex and very less confidence on themselves. They generally try to blend with the crowd, blindly following the people they consider a role-model in the new place, not even pausing to think of the transformation that they are undergoing. They don’t keep in touch with their old friends, rather with anyone associated with previous life, especially those who were pretty close; close enough to know about them in and out, enough to know what they had been, what they had thought, what they had said and what they had done in their time together. They are either afraid that their history would come to front and cause embarrassment and shame in the new place or may be they just cant face their old friends as a new reformed person. They simply shut the door to past under some stupid pretext as not having enough time or resources to maintain drop a line. If you get to meet some of these people sometime in future, they don’t even dare look into your eyes while speaking! Duh!! How more uncomfortable could the situation be?!

Here is a simple theory: X and Y are thick childhood friends. X changes to X` after his/her college life and loses contact with Y, who is mutationally robust. Sometime later in life, when X’ and Y meet, X` obviously will not be comfortable with Y anymore bcoz Y was X ’s friend not (X`)’s. This could hurt Y but I guess that is how it has to be as far as X` is concerned. Y is a history to X`, just like X. X` doesn’t hate Y. X` is just indifferent to Y.

Changes in a person’s character are not wrong. They are not illegal. They are not sinful. Changes lead to evolution. Changes help in shaping a man’s character. But I feel that those transformations that don’t modify the existing nature instead give a whole new personality, are not healthy. A person is judged by consistency of behaviour and by the amount of progress made and number of lessons learnt and applied after each episode of life. I would personally not respect one who has an up-side-down makeover of values, beliefs, likes, ideas, conduct and character after each stage of life. That is just unacceptable. I would most definitely lose face with a person like that, and may not even regret it. I guess, a little hard though it may be to lose a friend to changing times, the most practical and most sensible deed for Y would be to let go of X.

Another Killer

There are loads of things that kill people- slowly/instantly/painfully/painlessly. Very often, one finds these clichéd phrases.

Smoking kills.

Alcohol kills.

Tobacco kills.

Cancer kills.

AIDS kills.

Earthquake kills.

War kills.

Carbon-monoxide kills.

After a month in Bangalore, I have realized another potential cause of death.

Boredom kills people!At least it kills me! Slowly and painfully!

School life was full of studies n tests n music classes n hobbies like painting n playing basket ball n all. Never knew what boredom was.

My college life was delightful too. It was the golden period of my 22 year lifespan. (: P)Enjoyed every bit of it; though had some trouble in coping up when there were too many things to do all at the same time. Again there, I used to pray for a few minutes just to laze around. A few minutes to breathe, and not think or talk or do anything at all- just snuggle into my cozy razai in the dark silent room of mine, just staring into an imaginary abyss.But I hardly got a chance to do that back then; always running around at some pretext or another, though mostly, I enjoyed it all lot.

I never understood what my mom and my grand mom meant when they said that I was lucky to have my hands full. I always thought of how lucky they were with nothing to care about, no difficult schedule, no routine assignments or project meetings or tests and all. They had all the time for themselves!!But now, I see what they had always meant. With loads of things to do and so many places to be, I was actually alive. Now, though I have got what I might have wanted, the silence, the darkness, the nothing-to-do state of mind, I find that this huge dark bubble that seems to have engulfed my whole life has left nothing but a void space inside me; and is too much to bear.

People say- software kills creativity. I think boredom kills creativity. It destroys one’s enthusiasm to do anything. It murders one’s passion.I remember I used to state a number of hobbies before, I suddenly don’t feel like continuing any of those or pursuing any new ones. I feel so jaded, that I don’t understand what I should to the next instant. I am afraid this ‘boredom syndrome’ would last for ever.

Here is a huge list of the common day-to-day things that I m now bored of, and some I do bcoz I have to, and some I have stopped doing simply as I am bored rigid to do and some I no longer want to do as I am fed up of trying.

Ø Eating the same old

Idlys/dosas/vadas/pooris/rice/sambar/chappati/gravy/upma/pongal/pizza/noodles/bread/bun/biscuits/thattai/murukku/sweets

Ø Drinking milk/tea/juice/even water

Ø Sleeping

Ø Cleaning my house

Ø Bathing

Ø Combing my hair (that actually takes an awfully long time these days!)

Ø Of deciding which dress to wear

Ø Of searching for appropriate accessories for each dress

Ø Changing clothes while going out even to the nearest potti-kadai

Ø Going to malls for ‘window shopping’

Ø Seeing numerous couples: a senseless guy with some dumb straight-haired fair-skinned female laughing at stupid humor-less jokes

Ø Reading

Ø Watching movies/sitcoms/video songs in comp (since I don’t have a TV)

Ø Browsing through net

Ø Mailing/chatting/Orkutting

Ø Trying to find new friends through net and acquaint with them and start over from ‘hobbies/likes/dislikes’

Ø Endlessly crapping in the presence of an awkward company

Ø Listening to same old songs

Ø Singing/humming along

Ø Sitting in an air-conditioned room full of strangers wearing sweaters, wondering why they couldn’t just switch the damn ACs off!

Ø Trying to engage myself

Ø of feeling Bored!!

Ø My sick ever-annoying cold

Ø Nostalgia that seems to swallow me very often these days

Ø Going on long endless walks

Ø Ceiling-staring

Ø Cribbing n grumbling to

family/friends/cousins/acquaintances/strangers

Ø Thinking

Ø Worrying

Ø Dreaming

Ø Hoping for miracles

Ø Trying to do something useful, some feasible hobby

Ø Trying to think of something to study that could add to my useless resume

Ø Trying to think of my future/career

Ø Trying to find company to be, to sit n talk, to go out, to eat with

Ø Events taking a 180 ° turn (definitely not a favourable way!!)

Ø Things going totally out of control

Ø Trying to make the present place as comfortable as possible

Ø Making sense of confusing situations

Ø Reasoning out failures

Ø Correcting my mistakes

Ø Fighting with myself

Ø Consoling myself for being solely responsible for being in the present situation as I am

Ø All prayers going futile

As Elie Wiesel’s quote goes, “The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.” This ennui creates an indifference to everything. It virtually leaves the affected one tasteless, passionless and mindless. This lack of energy, enthu, concern, sympathy, creativity, imagination, dreams, satisfaction, love, faith is what I call, a road to death while living.

Do dupattas deserve all the hype?

Dupattas are definitely the most annoying wasteful pieces of clothes. They embarrass girls more than they help/protect/what-ever-they-are-supposed-to-do. Some say that they are meant to enhance the style and highlight the grace of a woman, just to be hung around one’s neck; Some say that its a huge kerchief, that can be used to wipe/dust/swab anything anywhere; Some say its often useful at extreme climates- for covering the head n face by making a mask when out in sun, or wearing like a shawl to protect from chill breeze, or covering your head to protect it from soaking in rain.

I acknowledge all of these. But there is its other maddening side too! It falls off at all the wrong places at all the wrong times (damn the Murphy’s Law!). Most of the times while walking in wind, it flies off, attracting unwanted attention that a girl would be asked to avoid in public. In the winds, if its ends even brush by mistake on some passerby, he would either give a disgusted can’t-you-manage-it look or an appreciative perverted look. A friend of mine was so humiliated when her dupatta just flew off due to strong winds; from her shoulders to the middle of the opposite road. What was she supposed to do? Run after it? How stupid would that have looked? It was even more awkward when the amused onlookers on her side were looking at her for a nice entertaining reaction! Once some guys confronted to us girls that they thought girls kept adjusting their dupattas for fun, as a habit or a mannerism, or perhaps even to attract the attention of guys! How utterly ridiculous! It was even crazier when they actually imitated the dupatta-handling styles of some of our lady-profs and friends!

Oh well… whatever it is, we could even conduct debates on ‘dupattas- boon or bane’ or ‘dupatta- a necessary evil’… it could be a really funny topic to ponder!

CHLEEPING BEAUTY

I sleep when I am sad
I sleep when I am angry
I sleep when I am full
I sleep when I am hungry

I sleep when its hot
I sleep when its cold
I sleep when its gloomy
I sleep when its rainy
I sleep when its day
I sleep when its night

I sleep when I am tired
I sleep when I am bored
I sleep when I am contented
I sleep when I am scared

I doze off in class
I snooze off in office
I sleep when I am sick
I sleep with a book!
I sleep when I am relaxed
I sleep when I am home... :)

Happy times lovely fantasies
Sad times far-fetched dreams
Scared nights horrible nightmares
Contented days dreamless sleep

Bored days disturbed naps
Sick days painful ones
Tired days endless sleep
At home, dreamy sleep
But the best sleeps- the entire day before unprepared exams!! :D

This is definitely not a poem... It’s just a babble from a chleepy me...

"I NEED A NEW WARDROBE!!!"

Accompanied with a lot of drastic changes in my life, there is one major tragedy which I’ll have to resolve asap... I HAVE NO NICE CLOTHES- 'FORMALS' OR 'CASUALS' THAT ARE APPROPRIATE TO BE WORN IN BANGALORE!!! Girls here seem to wear only branded T-Shirts or sober formal shirts and pants. Dresses were not a huge issue back in the campus, where we always had that 'kuch bhi chalega' attitude. Having practically lived in BITS T-Shirts and cute maheshwari kurtis, i do not find most of them good enough to wear here in this atmosphere where you get all wierd looks and you get judged very easily based on what you wear!! Everyday morning now, it has become a routine for me to look at my dresses and scream out-"I NEED A NEW WARDROBE!!!"

Old habits are hard to die...

I just can’t stop myself from comparing every thing n everyone n every tiny incident in my daily life here with my BITSian life. The BITSian hangover doesn’t seem to wear out! Even though it infuriates a lot of people around me, I still have to do things and speak out, the ‘BITSian way’!! A part of me just wants to get over and just move on with this corporate-life. But there again, another part of me just simply refuses to let it go!! I just can’t stop myself from quoting an incident or stating a memory or laughing at old jokes or using awkward BITSian slangs or carefree words that wouldn’t have been an issue at all in My World… I know people around me are patient even if it irritates or embarrasses them at times, but I really hope to get a better control over my BITSian styles and learn soon to think/speak/behave normally, the non-BITSian way…

Ex-BITSian??

There was a time during my BITSian life esp during my CDC years, when I have wished to just run away from that place, with a series of tests, tuts, labs, assignments, presentations n reports… but now after leaving the campus (though not a ‘pass out’ yet, thankfully) suddenly, ‘My World’ seems to have just puffed off like a mere dream! As I remember, I didn’t cry or even look back when I left My Hostel, My Campus, My Universe, (esp after a series of compres), knowing that I won’t be coming back for studies, and hoping that I won’t have to come back just for placements. But now, I wish I had just taken a few moments to stand at each place to feel a little nostalgic n all, like the other psenti-semites. But NO! I was just too ‘busy’ for all the senti-stuff!! Now that I turn back and see, I hardly remember anything of the acads/what they taught/what I learnt!! All that I have in my heart are those stolen moments in FD3 and IC terrace, those mid-night walks on nights with perms, those crappy games played in EDC sessions, those cute jackings in Bio-Assoc, the peaceful walks through staff-quarters and Shiv-ji, SKY patties, Bluemoon MNB, Nagarji’s sam-chat/chai, IP msngr chats, DC++ browsing and most of all, the night-time lacha sessions and wonderful trips with my wingies. I am glad that I was a part of what I was and I really pray to God that I get a gr8 set of new friends here as well, who might never replace what I had left behind; but would help me build another whole new happy world out here.