Complicated Life

The real problem with the world, with her world was that most of the people around her always tended to be good by heart. All of them loved her beyond any measure, loved her company, her presence, her smell, her talk, her actions, loved her in all different ways, physically, mentally, sexually… they all needed her to be by their side, wished her to love them all the same way they did, each one of them wanted to be the one to give her everything that she ever needed n wanted, and to get their needs fulfilled by her n her alone, craved to be given a higher priority over the other, wished that she would be theirs- each one of them did. But what was she supposed to do?

The whole problem was that they were all really good, they all loved her sincerely; n ironically, she loved each one of them as much too. But is it a sin to love more than one person at a time? Oh yes, it could have been if she were cheating them by not being open about the others! But none of them seemed to back out. They were all waiting for the others to leave her. Is it a crime to stick to each one of them simply to avoid causing them pain, much though she loved them back? But why were never satisfied? How could she select among the ones she loved equally? What would happen to the others who were not selected? Will they be able to take the rejection? Rejection? Isn’t that a hard word? A rejection would be a rejection only when she stopped being there for them, when she ceased loving them. But if it caused them so much pain, why even attempt to move away? But that wouldn’t be fair on her part, fair for any of them.

Every part of her was being torn apart with the guilt of having leaded their love to a state where now, their lives would be affected massively when she moved out of it. It caused her infinite amount of pain to know that though she had been totally unaware how and when it all happened, she wasn’t able to blame anyone for her misery, after all, they were suffering too, probably way more than her, and it was all her fault. She was the reason they were being offended this way, being hurt beyond reason. She wanted them to punish her, to curse her to swear on her and to leave her n cause her the same pain that she was causing them. But alas! They just wouldn’t do it; because they were all just too caring at heart. They all wanted her to themselves. Boy! Selfish, aren’t they? They all want her because they need her. They need her to stay, to fulfill their requirements, their needs, their dreams. They needed her to make them complete, to remain alive, a tangible part of each one of them as she had become.

But none could tell the agony her heart was in. Oh wait. But some were well aware of it, but still preferred to remain impassive since they wanted her, and knew that their lives would be in jeopardy without her in it. Now is that selfishness? Trying to live, I mean. The pain was killing them all, burning their insides, poking their hearts with a thousand knives and choking them to death. But they had to get used to the pain, because it was not going to go away, ever. They had to learn to live their lives without her. They had to move on, how much ever effort it took them to do it. But did that make her feel better? NO! She felt even more miserable for having to make them adjust, for having caused all the trouble, for having killed a part of them. But she had tried to withstand. She had tried to endure the pressure of being there for everyone, resisting her own interests to such an extent that she no more even knew what she wanted. Dil ke avaz ko ithna dabaya hai ki vo kab ka khamosh ho gaya. She had pressed her heart to be there for everyone, not to betray anyone she loved at any cost, pushed herself so hard to satisfy them all, to make everyone around happy, that now, her heart had given it up, stopped speaking out, to tell her what she truly wanted, who she was more passionate about, where she wanted to be, what she wanted to do n with whom; it had stopped beating for herself.

Now that she wanted to be happy for herself, to live her life, to run as fast as she wanted, to climb to heights she had dreamt of, suddenly she is the bitch? But somehow, she couldn’t figure out which was worse, people she loved fighting for her n hurting one another, or she hurting them by taking sides, or worse, they empathizing and giving her up for one another, trying their best to feign a brave face, yet crush inside but trying to hide it from her. She didn’t know which stung more. She wasn’t even sure of what her mistake was, n yet she was there unable to stop herself from blaming herself for it all.

She wished she were dead. Sometimes, the prospect of death seemed like a gift. May be she deserved this suffering, this despair, this life. May be enduring it was her punishment. But aah! Death! What relief it could be. She wanted to hug the fate so tight, as even the very idea gave her a sense of exhilaration. It seemed like the silver lightening in the dark clouded sky. But that was not in her hands anyways. Nevertheless it might have been the best n most painless way of taking off, painless for her as well as everyone else, for it seemed like she was such a burden to a lot of people, who in a funny way, never thought of her in that aspect. But she knew. And she was willing to accept the pain, excruciating though it was in blaming herself n no one else, because she loved them too much to blame them. But some of them wouldn’t let her take it. “You were not responsible darling; you have nothing to blame yourself for. If there is anything you have given me, it’s your heart, your love. Always more than I ever deserved”. Some others said,” No sweetheart, please don’t leave me. I need you. I adore you. I love you. You are my life. You are my only hope. Please choose me. Please don’t go!” Some others even blackmailed her emotionally. “I love you so much that you have become an integral part of my life. Life without you is unthinkable. I had rather kiss death than live as a corpse.”

Now, it was way over her head. She had to make a decision. She had to prioritize as this ‘love-all’ concept was taking her nowhere. Yes. She had to make up her mind, and find out the one with whom she was the happiest, the one without whom her life was unfathomable. Yes. She was going to end up losing a lot of other people. But if they didn’t understand her need to do this, if they couldn’t value her feelings, if they weren’t able to realize her state before and after the choice, then they weren’t worth it at all. But yes. It was painful and relieving too at the same time. She felt different, for not doing the usual of ripping her heart into a number of pieces to give one to each, but patching up the broken heart of hers to a single piece and give it to a person whom she loved, and whom she felt deserved. She hoped and prayed to God, to help her heal fast, to give strength to the others who were being torn inevitably due to her decision, and to give her long happiness n peace, a without so many complications.